my roommates told me they thought it was weird that i hadn't eaten all day and that i needed to come out and eat with them...great.  i tried picking at my food and i could tell they were noticing so i had to eat. fuck this, all i had had today was water and i was feeling amazing. 

i had to eat a half a turkey sandwich, a bowl of soup, and bread with the soup. i don't have a choice - i'm going to purge it now. there's no way i'm ruining today this late.  

at least tomorrow i'll be traveling all day to go home for thanksgiving so i won't have to eat at all.  thanksgiving....another story :(

today:

- i've only drank water 
- handful of almonds 
- small handful of raw vegetables (peas, broccoli, and red pepper) 
- small apple 

i'm done eating for the rest of today, only drinking water, sometimes with lemon in it.  tomorrow i'll start completing fasting - only liquids. 

i'm fucking determined this time.  i'm going to lose ten pounds before thanksgiving, and then thats going to be a whole other fucking mountain to climb.  

i know i can fucking do this.  

when I went to the drugstore today to buy Slimquick Cleanse and Green Tea pills the old guy at the counter goes, "maam, are you on a diet or something?" and i was like "yeah...too much beer on the weekends" (yeah right) and he was like, "what are you like 119? you don't need to diet."  i guess i should have taken it as a compliment but i wanted to say to him "yeah well when i was a freshman i was 105 so right now i actually feel like a fucking whale."  instead i just stood there and he handed me a coupon for next time i buy the pills. 

 Last night finally made me see how big of a problem I actually have now and how desperately I want to be normal.  Not only is it a major physical problem but it's becoming more and more mental.  It's like I have this bipolar person living inside my head that screams at me to stop eating but then they turn around and scream even louder at me to go into the kitchen.  For brief periods of time I sit back and think, "Wow, look at who the fuck you've turned into. You have no self control, you're bulimic, and you're pretty much losing your mind, the way you think is SICK."  Then I realized I am sick.  No wonder they call this a disease.

It's gotten really bad.  Everyday I wake up planning to eat well or not eat at all, just drink liquids, and at some point in the day, whether its right when I get out of bed or at 5 PM, I snap.  I lose all thought and all control, my mind goes numb, and I start consuming everything I can.  Yesterday afternoon I ate a grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup, two chocolate chip cookies, two hardboiled eggs, a ho-ho, and salad with ranch, sunflower seeds and croutons.  I purged all of it.  I purged into I could taste vile and knew it was all gone.  Lately I'll be in the shower, leaning against the wall, fucking exhausted from purging, but then my mind says, "Come on, you know there's probably more in there. Do it just one last time, because there's other things that hurt way more than purging does."  So I end up going through that cycle at least 3 or 4 times before I actually get out of the shower.  Then I went to Starbucks and got a venti sugar-free vanilla soy latte, thinking that I would again try and pick myself and just drink liquids for the rest of the day.

Night hit, and I became really unhappy I wasn't doing anything and all of my roommates are gone so I sort of got depressed.  I ended up making a huge quesadilla with like a whole bag of cheese inside of it, macaroni, and another ho-ho and some cookies.  I purged.  I had to.  It all came up easy because I got in the shower again right when I was done.  I told myself I wasn't going to purge three times in one day. This was fucking it.  I was hurting myself.

And I didn't purge again.  But I ended up making two more quesdillas, I'm talking big ones that take up a whole plate with thee slices of cheese in each. I ate all my roommates food, and later today I'm taking the huge list with me to the grocery store so I can restock their food before they come home. Yeah, that's how I'm spending my day - sad.  On top of the two quesadillas I ate an entire bag of popcorn and more cookies.  I snacked while I was waiting for the popcorn to cook, snacked while I was waiting for the quesadillas to cook.  I don't even remember what I fucking ate; oreos, crutons, chewy bars.  And I DIDN'T purge.  Yeah, for a moment, I was happy because I told myself I don't need to purge everytime I eat, but no.  I want to kill myself I'm so disgusted with it.  I still feel full this morning.  It's hard to move my body.  I can't believe I didn't purge and all of that was absorbed into my body...

It makes me sick writing this. It makes me hate myself even more.  Which is why I really, really, really, need your guys support at this time.  More than anything at this point, I just want to stop doing what I'm doing.  The b/p sessions, at least 3 times each day now, are ruining me, literally.  I'm breaking out all over my face, like huge weird blisters too, my eyes hurt and are always blurry, I wake up with a cold every morning and can't swallow, my hair is dry from taking 3 showers a day, my skin is dry.  I just look and feel like shit.  Even if it doesn't mean fasting but only eating fruits and vegetables and nuts, eating healthy, I need to do it.  What I really want to do is liquid fast but honestly I will transition out of this disgusting lifestyle any way I can at this point.  

But I really need your guys help.  Anyone, someone to email me or IM me or text me and tell me to stay strong and remind me I literally don't need the food - my body would rather NOT have cheese and cookies and macaroni and popcorn inside of it.  It would rather detox itself or start consuming vegetables and fruits only.  

Sorry for the long post.  I thought I had lost it before but I have literally hit rock bottom.

I'm on my way to Starbucks to get coffee to make me not hungry, and I think I'm going to steal an Adderall from my roommate since she's gone - she'll probably notice but she won't be home til Sunday so I don't give a fuck at this point.  Then I'm going to the store to replace their food and I'm going to buy the Green Tea Hoodia pills and mix them with Slimquick Cleanse (http://www.slimquickonline.com/slmquick-cleanse.html).  I saw a commercial on TV for it.  It advertises that it's specifically for women because a lot of girls have trouble losing weight as quickly as men.  It says once you are done with Slimquick Cleanse (it's a 7-day detox) immediately start Slimquick Regular or Slimquick Extreme.  I'm just going to buy whichever ones they have.

I don't really have the money to do this right now, but I'm thinking about it this way.  If I spend $50.00 on these pills, then I don't need to buy food if they work.  So there, I'm saving money by NOT eating.  

Again, sorry for the long post.  You guys are always so inspiring and so much help, and this is seriously the only place I can come where I can talk about everything and be honest.

Also, I don't know how to make this all a link so you guys don't have to see this huge long thing, can anyone tell me how and I'll edit it and post it to communities?  Thanks!

 just had easy mac and a huge quesadilla. im so tired and purging has taken such a toll on me but i should get it out right?

 Eating Disorder Survey*.
General
Age?: 19
Height?: 5'4"
Weight?: 119
Lowest Weight?: 105
Highest Weight?: 122
What weight do you want to weigh?: 105-110
What eating disorder do you have?: Bulimia


In Depth
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: varies from day to day depending on if I binge or not.
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: Yes.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: Yes, please.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: No...was in highschool, college has ruined me.
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: No.
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?: 48 hours (sad, I know)
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: No.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: Yes.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: No.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: No.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: Yes.


Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: Yes.
What part of your body would you change?: Butt, Thighs, Calves.
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: 2-3.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: Yes.
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: Yes, sometimes. Not apparently, though.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: Yes.


Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough?: No.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: Not enough to keep them from going in my mouth.
Fat grams?: Yes.
Calories?: Yes.
Are you often tired/fatigued?: Not really.
Do you feel more energised after eating food?: Not really sure.
Do you eat meat?: Yes.
Do you eat your food in a certain way? Yes. Fast haha.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: No.
Have you ever thrown up blood?: Yes, only a little little bit.
Is your heart bpm above 49?: Don't know?
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: No.
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: No.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: It's great. 
Do you have any other mental disorders? Not that I'm aware of :)
What's your favourite food to eat?: Why is this question on here! Ahhhh
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: Yes, but only if I could be skinny without trying.
Do you want to recover?: I want to be skinny.

i don't know what to do anymore. i am completely fucking losing it. i tell myself i don't have a problem when obviously i have a really big one.  i do so well for hours and then something snaps. it's not even like anything brings its on.  i was cleaning my room and running around doing laundry and stuff and all of the sudden just NEEDED food. it's not even that i was hungry it was almost like this mental craving to go show EVERYTHING in the kitchen down my throat.

the fact that i don't even have food in the house (except for pickles) doesn't even keep me from doing it. i just take little bits of food from my roommates thinking they don't notice (who knows if they do).  

i ate a big salad for dinner and broccoli and ended up purging.  i felt better afterwards and thought i would be set for the rest of the night, but then that fucking urge came on again. i don't even think when i'm walking to the kitchen - my mind goes blank to the fact that i would give anything to be 15 pounds skinnier right now.  i'm like a food crazy psycho when i start eating.

it makes me sick to even write this...

i just ate:

- almost a whole box of fries and two chicken nuggets my roommate was going to throw away 
- a ho ho (this is the kind of shit my roommates eat without gaining weight)
- half of an everything bagel 
- five oreos 
- diet coke a chewy granola bar 
- a fruit roll up 

for a minute i was thinking i'll just suck it up and not purge it but now i'm starting to realize how bad it's gotten - i literally CANNOT leave this in my body.  i already showered, dried my hair, everything, and i'm getting in the fucking shower again to purge.

i wasn't scared of my purging (i've been stubborn to the fact that i actually have a problem) until lately, where i've been doing it at most three times a day and now i'm actually feeling the effects of it - my head fucking HURTS, my neck is soo sore, my ribs are sore. everything is exhausted.

i thought the adderall would work but i can't take it all day long because i don't have enough right now and if i do take it all day i don't sleep. i guess i'd rather not sleep than be FAT. i think i'm probably up to 120 by now...there's no way i've lost weight but i'm scared to get on the scale and check.

when is this going to end. there has to be an answer to it - it should be simple. I WANT THIS SO WHY DO I DO THIS. what the fuck is wrong with me. i just fucking piss myself off and make myself sick.  i can feel the fat going into my body already i need to purge.

sorry for the long posts...i'm really going downhill and don't know what to do anymore.

i had to wait to get adderall until this afternoon so i ended up eating some salad...nothing bad, i used fat free ranch but i still felt like a fucking fat ass afterwards.  

took some adderall....was great all day and didn't eat from 2-930, but then the adderall wore off and i drank a grande coffee and some "italian wedding" soup...yeah its just soup but it was fucking packed full of these little noodle things and tiny meatballs...SICK. 

I HATTTE MYSELF for it. i'm taking another adderall, i have to study anyways and it'll keep me from snacking and make me feel cray skinny...fucked up makes NO sense i know.  

i'm gonna purge it now, just because i had done so well and i know if i get it out of me i'll feel like i didn't totally fuck up.  my throats been fucked from the multiple purges in one day a few days ago but its finally getting less sore...time to screw it up again :(

i have enough adderall to last me through the week if not longer and so im planning on starting fresh and not eating at all tomorrow - i'll just pop an add RIGHT when i wake up.

my roommates just ran to the kitchen to make huge bowls of cereal and bagels with cream cheese...i fucking hate myself, i'm getting in the shower to purge this shit out of my body.

i know its terrible and im trying to stop the purging and start the fast so not to be a bitch but plllleasse don't give me shit unless its support. its not like i dont know that the purging is terrible for me, im working on it though and i guess thats whats important.

hope everybodys doing well stay strong think think lots of love xxoo

hadn't eaten barely at all this weekend.

today:

binged on a soy yogurt, an apple, popcorn, and strawberries with caramel.

purged.

binged on crackers with cheese and prosciutto.

can't purge again.

fuck, this is stopping tomorrow.

tomorrow/rest of the week:

FASTING.

no purging!!!!!

 my heart is pounding OUT of my chest.  im hot but my hands are cold....ugggggh.

fucking im losing it.  haven't eaten since i started the fast monday and i'm starting to feel sick.  the purging from this weekend has my body so fucking tired i feel like i have mono or something, i can't even move out of bed.  i should go work out but i'm too tired to even get up and get dressed to do it.  all i can think about is food. fuck.  

 anyone interested in iming for support? needing it right now :(

 I'm starting a fast tomorrow.  I lost five pounds in four days last week but then on Friday I got so wasted that I don't remember anything except for puking from around 11:30 PM to 4 PM the next day.  It was probably one of the worst nights ever, but when I woke up I felt absolutely amazing. So fucking skinny.  

Well all that was fucked over when my stomach hurt so bad I had to drink ginger ale and eat saltines all day.  Trying to keep five saltines down turned into eating a whole sleeve of saltines and multiple handfuls of small bite size wheat fiber crackers from Trader Joe's.  So I could have used my stupid drunkenness to help with my weight and instead it all backfired and caused me to eat more saltines in one day than I ever have in my life.

I know its not terrible and that I probably threw up so much it fucked up my stomach and got every single thing out of me (I was heaving vile by the next morning), but still, saltines are fucking filled with sodium.  

Anyways, starting tomorrow I'll only be drinking tea and water for the whole week.  If anyone wants to join I would LOVE the support :)

Let me know and we can exchange screen names or numbers.

xoxox

 i had done so well the last couple days and today - under 300 calories and i was sitting at home so fucking bored and sometimes the adderall makes me moody and so i got depressed and mad i was sitting at home alone.  

i made an individual sized popcorn and poured salt all over it and ended up purging until blood came up.  the ridiculous thing is i still feel something in my throat but i know that there has to be nothing left, if anything the smallest amount of grape.

the popcorn came up RIGHT AWAY eally easily in two quick purges, the rest was harsh because i hadnt fully chewed the grapes (i hadnt planned on purging so it didnt matter at the time).

THIS WEEK:

WED: 

-no food 
-coffee if needed 
-adderall 

THURS:

-same plan 

FRI:

-fruit 
-maybe some crackers before i go out 
-coffee 
-i'll probly be out of adderall but trying to get more

I'll be drinking a ton so I know I need to have something in me because I don't want to be blacked out in front of my date and friends.

sorry for the multiple posts - nighttime meltdown purge session made it necessary :(

peace.love.

hope everyone's doing well :)

 im starting in on a bag of popcorn right now and thinking about once i finish it going by myself to get a burger and fries someone please please please help me right now tell me to stop anyone interested in texting? i really need help right now 

 yesterday:
 
venti sugarfree soy vanilla latte 
5 bites of lettuce 
half a piece of wheat bread 

today:

venti sugarfree soy vanilla latte
one unsalted rice cake 
half a banana 
handful of cereal with nonfat milk 

done eating for the day.  tomorrow only having the coffee and a banana if i need it.  can anyone tell me if the starbucks drinks are totally bad for me or fucking me over with calories im unaware of?  or how to make them less in calories...i thought i covered it with the soy and the sugarfree vanilla.  

  REALLY random question (I haven't posted in a while, shit has gotten so bad I'm embarrassed to) but can purging almost ever day affect your period in any way?  

I've been bingeing and purging every fucking day and my throat is so raw it hurts to drink liquids through a straw.  I woke up this morning and something in me changed though.  I had a dream about saying 'NO' over and over and over to my friends who ask me if I want to go get food.

And I woke up with the huge fucking urge to become so skinny and look so good that people envy ME, not me envying everyone around me.

I'm just done thinking about fucking food, my body doesn't need it like I think it does and it's not necessary to make me happy.  What is necessary is that I stop fucking putting all this shit into my mouth and stop fucking bingeing so I don't have to purge. 

As much as I hate purging (mentally it kills me and physically its ripping apart my stomach throat) I do love how easily all that shit comes up and knowing afterwards I'm going to feel so much smaller. Although I'm doubting that I'm getting it all out...I go til I can't but I can almost physically feel the food still left in there.

I think this is why I'm so fucked up.  I want to stop eating so I can stop purging and be really fucking skinny but when I do binge and do purge I love seeing it all come up and knowing that there is a way to get ALL THAT GROSS SHIT out of my body.  I think it's a love/hate relationship.  Someone commented on one of my posts when I said I love it but I hate it saying something like "you're really fucked up."  Haha please someone comment and tell me they feel the love/hate thing I'm talking about so I can know I have an eating disorder but haven't totally fucking lost it. 

Only drinking coffee, water, and tea for this week and taking an adderall every day.  If I get hungry I'm going to stop, breathe, think about: 

-how I want to be the one that people envy
-how I want to put on my new jeans and heels and run around feeling like a twig
-how I don't want to hate myself every time I get dressed or look at my legs in the mirror 
-how I want to be able to walk around in underwear and LIKE the look of my ass 
-how I want to be able to give bitches mean looks back knowing that I look way better and way skinnier than they do

I'm just going to stop, breathe, think, grab the liquid, and be satisfied.

Fuck why does this have to control my entire life.  Anyways, hope everyones doing good, you guys keep me going like always <3

 fuck im about to purge because i just ate so much im fucking disgusted with myself.  


fuck, when am i going to gain some self control - im pathetic.

 how bad would it be if i only drank sugarfree soy vanilla lattes from starbucks and water tomorrow?  i absolutely love them but i feel like they might be the kind of thing that sound really healthy but are packed with fat???


thanks, hope everyone is doing well :)

purged again today and feel terrible about it but i couldn't stop myself :( working on not consuming things they make me want to throw them up...


<333333

 i just binged and purged until i had nothing left in me.  i haven't done that in at least 6 months. fuck it felt good.  it was almost too easy.

when i was throwing up i felt motivated and positive about everything.  this is the start of the fast.  

sorry for all the posts, its so helpful.