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my roommates told me they thought it was weird that i hadn't eaten all day and that i needed to come out and eat with them...great.  i tried picking at my food and i could tell they were noticing so i had to eat. fuck this, all i had had today was water and i was feeling amazing. 

i had to eat a half a turkey sandwich, a bowl of soup, and bread with the soup. i don't have a choice - i'm going to purge it now. there's no way i'm ruining today this late.  

at least tomorrow i'll be traveling all day to go home for thanksgiving so i won't have to eat at all.  thanksgiving....another story :(



off to a good start...

today:

- i've only drank water 
- handful of almonds 
- small handful of raw vegetables (peas, broccoli, and red pepper) 
- small apple 

i'm done eating for the rest of today, only drinking water, sometimes with lemon in it.  tomorrow i'll start completing fasting - only liquids. 

i'm fucking determined this time.  i'm going to lose ten pounds before thanksgiving, and then thats going to be a whole other fucking mountain to climb.  

i know i can fucking do this.  

ha...


when I went to the drugstore today to buy Slimquick Cleanse and Green Tea pills the old guy at the counter goes, "maam, are you on a diet or something?" and i was like "yeah...too much beer on the weekends" (yeah right) and he was like, "what are you like 119? you don't need to diet."  i guess i should have taken it as a compliment but i wanted to say to him "yeah well when i was a freshman i was 105 so right now i actually feel like a fucking whale."  instead i just stood there and he handed me a coupon for next time i buy the pills. 




end of my rope...

 Last night finally made me see how big of a problem I actually have now and how desperately I want to be normal.  Not only is it a major physical problem but it's becoming more and more mental.  It's like I have this bipolar person living inside my head that screams at me to stop eating but then they turn around and scream even louder at me to go into the kitchen.  For brief periods of time I sit back and think, "Wow, look at who the fuck you've turned into. You have no self control, you're bulimic, and you're pretty much losing your mind, the way you think is SICK."  Then I realized I am sick.  No wonder they call this a disease.

It's gotten really bad.  Everyday I wake up planning to eat well or not eat at all, just drink liquids, and at some point in the day, whether its right when I get out of bed or at 5 PM, I snap.  I lose all thought and all control, my mind goes numb, and I start consuming everything I can.  Yesterday afternoon I ate a grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup, two chocolate chip cookies, two hardboiled eggs, a ho-ho, and salad with ranch, sunflower seeds and croutons.  I purged all of it.  I purged into I could taste vile and knew it was all gone.  Lately I'll be in the shower, leaning against the wall, fucking exhausted from purging, but then my mind says, "Come on, you know there's probably more in there. Do it just one last time, because there's other things that hurt way more than purging does."  So I end up going through that cycle at least 3 or 4 times before I actually get out of the shower.  Then I went to Starbucks and got a venti sugar-free vanilla soy latte, thinking that I would again try and pick myself and just drink liquids for the rest of the day.

Night hit, and I became really unhappy I wasn't doing anything and all of my roommates are gone so I sort of got depressed.  I ended up making a huge quesadilla with like a whole bag of cheese inside of it, macaroni, and another ho-ho and some cookies.  I purged.  I had to.  It all came up easy because I got in the shower again right when I was done.  I told myself I wasn't going to purge three times in one day. This was fucking it.  I was hurting myself.

And I didn't purge again.  But I ended up making two more quesdillas, I'm talking big ones that take up a whole plate with thee slices of cheese in each. I ate all my roommates food, and later today I'm taking the huge list with me to the grocery store so I can restock their food before they come home. Yeah, that's how I'm spending my day - sad.  On top of the two quesadillas I ate an entire bag of popcorn and more cookies.  I snacked while I was waiting for the popcorn to cook, snacked while I was waiting for the quesadillas to cook.  I don't even remember what I fucking ate; oreos, crutons, chewy bars.  And I DIDN'T purge.  Yeah, for a moment, I was happy because I told myself I don't need to purge everytime I eat, but no.  I want to kill myself I'm so disgusted with it.  I still feel full this morning.  It's hard to move my body.  I can't believe I didn't purge and all of that was absorbed into my body...

It makes me sick writing this. It makes me hate myself even more.  Which is why I really, really, really, need your guys support at this time.  More than anything at this point, I just want to stop doing what I'm doing.  The b/p sessions, at least 3 times each day now, are ruining me, literally.  I'm breaking out all over my face, like huge weird blisters too, my eyes hurt and are always blurry, I wake up with a cold every morning and can't swallow, my hair is dry from taking 3 showers a day, my skin is dry.  I just look and feel like shit.  Even if it doesn't mean fasting but only eating fruits and vegetables and nuts, eating healthy, I need to do it.  What I really want to do is liquid fast but honestly I will transition out of this disgusting lifestyle any way I can at this point.  

But I really need your guys help.  Anyone, someone to email me or IM me or text me and tell me to stay strong and remind me I literally don't need the food - my body would rather NOT have cheese and cookies and macaroni and popcorn inside of it.  It would rather detox itself or start consuming vegetables and fruits only.  

Sorry for the long post.  I thought I had lost it before but I have literally hit rock bottom.

I'm on my way to Starbucks to get coffee to make me not hungry, and I think I'm going to steal an Adderall from my roommate since she's gone - she'll probably notice but she won't be home til Sunday so I don't give a fuck at this point.  Then I'm going to the store to replace their food and I'm going to buy the Green Tea Hoodia pills and mix them with Slimquick Cleanse (http://www.slimquickonline.com/slmquick-cleanse.html).  I saw a commercial on TV for it.  It advertises that it's specifically for women because a lot of girls have trouble losing weight as quickly as men.  It says once you are done with Slimquick Cleanse (it's a 7-day detox) immediately start Slimquick Regular or Slimquick Extreme.  I'm just going to buy whichever ones they have.

I don't really have the money to do this right now, but I'm thinking about it this way.  If I spend $50.00 on these pills, then I don't need to buy food if they work.  So there, I'm saving money by NOT eating.  

Again, sorry for the long post.  You guys are always so inspiring and so much help, and this is seriously the only place I can come where I can talk about everything and be honest.

Also, I don't know how to make this all a link so you guys don't have to see this huge long thing, can anyone tell me how and I'll edit it and post it to communities?  Thanks!

 just had easy mac and a huge quesadilla. im so tired and purging has taken such a toll on me but i should get it out right?
 Eating Disorder Survey*.
General
Age?: 19
Height?: 5'4"
Weight?: 119
Lowest Weight?: 105
Highest Weight?: 122
What weight do you want to weigh?: 105-110
What eating disorder do you have?: Bulimia


In Depth
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: varies from day to day depending on if I binge or not.
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: Yes.
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: Yes, please.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: No...was in highschool, college has ruined me.
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: No.
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?: 48 hours (sad, I know)
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: No.
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: Yes.
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: No.
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: No.
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: Yes.


Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: Yes.
What part of your body would you change?: Butt, Thighs, Calves.
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: 2-3.
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: Yes.
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: Yes, sometimes. Not apparently, though.
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: Yes.


Health/Food
Do you think you eat healthy enough?: No.
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: Not enough to keep them from going in my mouth.
Fat grams?: Yes.
Calories?: Yes.
Are you often tired/fatigued?: Not really.
Do you feel more energised after eating food?: Not really sure.
Do you eat meat?: Yes.
Do you eat your food in a certain way? Yes. Fast haha.
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: No.
Have you ever thrown up blood?: Yes, only a little little bit.
Is your heart bpm above 49?: Don't know?
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: No.
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: No.
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: It's great. 
Do you have any other mental disorders? Not that I'm aware of :)
What's your favourite food to eat?: Why is this question on here! Ahhhh
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: Yes, but only if I could be skinny without trying.
Do you want to recover?: I want to be skinny.

i'm really losing it....

i don't know what to do anymore. i am completely fucking losing it. i tell myself i don't have a problem when obviously i have a really big one.  i do so well for hours and then something snaps. it's not even like anything brings its on.  i was cleaning my room and running around doing laundry and stuff and all of the sudden just NEEDED food. it's not even that i was hungry it was almost like this mental craving to go show EVERYTHING in the kitchen down my throat.

the fact that i don't even have food in the house (except for pickles) doesn't even keep me from doing it. i just take little bits of food from my roommates thinking they don't notice (who knows if they do).  

i ate a big salad for dinner and broccoli and ended up purging.  i felt better afterwards and thought i would be set for the rest of the night, but then that fucking urge came on again. i don't even think when i'm walking to the kitchen - my mind goes blank to the fact that i would give anything to be 15 pounds skinnier right now.  i'm like a food crazy psycho when i start eating.

it makes me sick to even write this...

i just ate:

- almost a whole box of fries and two chicken nuggets my roommate was going to throw away 
- a ho ho (this is the kind of shit my roommates eat without gaining weight)
- half of an everything bagel 
- five oreos 
- diet coke a chewy granola bar 
- a fruit roll up 

for a minute i was thinking i'll just suck it up and not purge it but now i'm starting to realize how bad it's gotten - i literally CANNOT leave this in my body.  i already showered, dried my hair, everything, and i'm getting in the fucking shower again to purge.

i wasn't scared of my purging (i've been stubborn to the fact that i actually have a problem) until lately, where i've been doing it at most three times a day and now i'm actually feeling the effects of it - my head fucking HURTS, my neck is soo sore, my ribs are sore. everything is exhausted.

i thought the adderall would work but i can't take it all day long because i don't have enough right now and if i do take it all day i don't sleep. i guess i'd rather not sleep than be FAT. i think i'm probably up to 120 by now...there's no way i've lost weight but i'm scared to get on the scale and check.

when is this going to end. there has to be an answer to it - it should be simple. I WANT THIS SO WHY DO I DO THIS. what the fuck is wrong with me. i just fucking piss myself off and make myself sick.  i can feel the fat going into my body already i need to purge.

sorry for the long posts...i'm really going downhill and don't know what to do anymore.

halloween in two days - MOTIVATION

i had to wait to get adderall until this afternoon so i ended up eating some salad...nothing bad, i used fat free ranch but i still felt like a fucking fat ass afterwards.  

took some adderall....was great all day and didn't eat from 2-930, but then the adderall wore off and i drank a grande coffee and some "italian wedding" soup...yeah its just soup but it was fucking packed full of these little noodle things and tiny meatballs...SICK. 

I HATTTE MYSELF for it. i'm taking another adderall, i have to study anyways and it'll keep me from snacking and make me feel cray skinny...fucked up makes NO sense i know.  

i'm gonna purge it now, just because i had done so well and i know if i get it out of me i'll feel like i didn't totally fuck up.  my throats been fucked from the multiple purges in one day a few days ago but its finally getting less sore...time to screw it up again :(

i have enough adderall to last me through the week if not longer and so im planning on starting fresh and not eating at all tomorrow - i'll just pop an add RIGHT when i wake up.

my roommates just ran to the kitchen to make huge bowls of cereal and bagels with cream cheese...i fucking hate myself, i'm getting in the shower to purge this shit out of my body.

i know its terrible and im trying to stop the purging and start the fast so not to be a bitch but plllleasse don't give me shit unless its support. its not like i dont know that the purging is terrible for me, im working on it though and i guess thats whats important.

hope everybodys doing well stay strong think think lots of love xxoo
hadn't eaten barely at all this weekend.

today:

binged on a soy yogurt, an apple, popcorn, and strawberries with caramel.

purged.

binged on crackers with cheese and prosciutto.

can't purge again.

fuck, this is stopping tomorrow.

tomorrow/rest of the week:

FASTING.

no purging!!!!!


freaking out...

 my heart is pounding OUT of my chest.  im hot but my hands are cold....ugggggh.