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November 11th, 2008

end of my rope...

 Last night finally made me see how big of a problem I actually have now and how desperately I want to be normal.  Not only is it a major physical problem but it's becoming more and more mental.  It's like I have this bipolar person living inside my head that screams at me to stop eating but then they turn around and scream even louder at me to go into the kitchen.  For brief periods of time I sit back and think, "Wow, look at who the fuck you've turned into. You have no self control, you're bulimic, and you're pretty much losing your mind, the way you think is SICK."  Then I realized I am sick.  No wonder they call this a disease.

It's gotten really bad.  Everyday I wake up planning to eat well or not eat at all, just drink liquids, and at some point in the day, whether its right when I get out of bed or at 5 PM, I snap.  I lose all thought and all control, my mind goes numb, and I start consuming everything I can.  Yesterday afternoon I ate a grilled cheese sandwich, tomato soup, two chocolate chip cookies, two hardboiled eggs, a ho-ho, and salad with ranch, sunflower seeds and croutons.  I purged all of it.  I purged into I could taste vile and knew it was all gone.  Lately I'll be in the shower, leaning against the wall, fucking exhausted from purging, but then my mind says, "Come on, you know there's probably more in there. Do it just one last time, because there's other things that hurt way more than purging does."  So I end up going through that cycle at least 3 or 4 times before I actually get out of the shower.  Then I went to Starbucks and got a venti sugar-free vanilla soy latte, thinking that I would again try and pick myself and just drink liquids for the rest of the day.

Night hit, and I became really unhappy I wasn't doing anything and all of my roommates are gone so I sort of got depressed.  I ended up making a huge quesadilla with like a whole bag of cheese inside of it, macaroni, and another ho-ho and some cookies.  I purged.  I had to.  It all came up easy because I got in the shower again right when I was done.  I told myself I wasn't going to purge three times in one day. This was fucking it.  I was hurting myself.

And I didn't purge again.  But I ended up making two more quesdillas, I'm talking big ones that take up a whole plate with thee slices of cheese in each. I ate all my roommates food, and later today I'm taking the huge list with me to the grocery store so I can restock their food before they come home. Yeah, that's how I'm spending my day - sad.  On top of the two quesadillas I ate an entire bag of popcorn and more cookies.  I snacked while I was waiting for the popcorn to cook, snacked while I was waiting for the quesadillas to cook.  I don't even remember what I fucking ate; oreos, crutons, chewy bars.  And I DIDN'T purge.  Yeah, for a moment, I was happy because I told myself I don't need to purge everytime I eat, but no.  I want to kill myself I'm so disgusted with it.  I still feel full this morning.  It's hard to move my body.  I can't believe I didn't purge and all of that was absorbed into my body...

It makes me sick writing this. It makes me hate myself even more.  Which is why I really, really, really, need your guys support at this time.  More than anything at this point, I just want to stop doing what I'm doing.  The b/p sessions, at least 3 times each day now, are ruining me, literally.  I'm breaking out all over my face, like huge weird blisters too, my eyes hurt and are always blurry, I wake up with a cold every morning and can't swallow, my hair is dry from taking 3 showers a day, my skin is dry.  I just look and feel like shit.  Even if it doesn't mean fasting but only eating fruits and vegetables and nuts, eating healthy, I need to do it.  What I really want to do is liquid fast but honestly I will transition out of this disgusting lifestyle any way I can at this point.  

But I really need your guys help.  Anyone, someone to email me or IM me or text me and tell me to stay strong and remind me I literally don't need the food - my body would rather NOT have cheese and cookies and macaroni and popcorn inside of it.  It would rather detox itself or start consuming vegetables and fruits only.  

Sorry for the long post.  I thought I had lost it before but I have literally hit rock bottom.

I'm on my way to Starbucks to get coffee to make me not hungry, and I think I'm going to steal an Adderall from my roommate since she's gone - she'll probably notice but she won't be home til Sunday so I don't give a fuck at this point.  Then I'm going to the store to replace their food and I'm going to buy the Green Tea Hoodia pills and mix them with Slimquick Cleanse (http://www.slimquickonline.com/slmquick-cleanse.html).  I saw a commercial on TV for it.  It advertises that it's specifically for women because a lot of girls have trouble losing weight as quickly as men.  It says once you are done with Slimquick Cleanse (it's a 7-day detox) immediately start Slimquick Regular or Slimquick Extreme.  I'm just going to buy whichever ones they have.

I don't really have the money to do this right now, but I'm thinking about it this way.  If I spend $50.00 on these pills, then I don't need to buy food if they work.  So there, I'm saving money by NOT eating.  

Again, sorry for the long post.  You guys are always so inspiring and so much help, and this is seriously the only place I can come where I can talk about everything and be honest.

Also, I don't know how to make this all a link so you guys don't have to see this huge long thing, can anyone tell me how and I'll edit it and post it to communities?  Thanks!


when I went to the drugstore today to buy Slimquick Cleanse and Green Tea pills the old guy at the counter goes, "maam, are you on a diet or something?" and i was like "yeah...too much beer on the weekends" (yeah right) and he was like, "what are you like 119? you don't need to diet."  i guess i should have taken it as a compliment but i wanted to say to him "yeah well when i was a freshman i was 105 so right now i actually feel like a fucking whale."  instead i just stood there and he handed me a coupon for next time i buy the pills. 



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