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i'm really losing it....

i don't know what to do anymore. i am completely fucking losing it. i tell myself i don't have a problem when obviously i have a really big one.  i do so well for hours and then something snaps. it's not even like anything brings its on.  i was cleaning my room and running around doing laundry and stuff and all of the sudden just NEEDED food. it's not even that i was hungry it was almost like this mental craving to go show EVERYTHING in the kitchen down my throat.

the fact that i don't even have food in the house (except for pickles) doesn't even keep me from doing it. i just take little bits of food from my roommates thinking they don't notice (who knows if they do).  

i ate a big salad for dinner and broccoli and ended up purging.  i felt better afterwards and thought i would be set for the rest of the night, but then that fucking urge came on again. i don't even think when i'm walking to the kitchen - my mind goes blank to the fact that i would give anything to be 15 pounds skinnier right now.  i'm like a food crazy psycho when i start eating.

it makes me sick to even write this...

i just ate:

- almost a whole box of fries and two chicken nuggets my roommate was going to throw away 
- a ho ho (this is the kind of shit my roommates eat without gaining weight)
- half of an everything bagel 
- five oreos 
- diet coke a chewy granola bar 
- a fruit roll up 

for a minute i was thinking i'll just suck it up and not purge it but now i'm starting to realize how bad it's gotten - i literally CANNOT leave this in my body.  i already showered, dried my hair, everything, and i'm getting in the fucking shower again to purge.

i wasn't scared of my purging (i've been stubborn to the fact that i actually have a problem) until lately, where i've been doing it at most three times a day and now i'm actually feeling the effects of it - my head fucking HURTS, my neck is soo sore, my ribs are sore. everything is exhausted.

i thought the adderall would work but i can't take it all day long because i don't have enough right now and if i do take it all day i don't sleep. i guess i'd rather not sleep than be FAT. i think i'm probably up to 120 by now...there's no way i've lost weight but i'm scared to get on the scale and check.

when is this going to end. there has to be an answer to it - it should be simple. I WANT THIS SO WHY DO I DO THIS. what the fuck is wrong with me. i just fucking piss myself off and make myself sick.  i can feel the fat going into my body already i need to purge.

sorry for the long posts...i'm really going downhill and don't know what to do anymore.



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