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fucking im losing it.  haven't eaten since i started the fast monday and i'm starting to feel sick.  the purging from this weekend has my body so fucking tired i feel like i have mono or something, i can't even move out of bed.  i should go work out but i'm too tired to even get up and get dressed to do it.  all i can think about is food. fuck.  

help....

 anyone interested in iming for support? needing it right now :(

If anyone wants to join me...

 I'm starting a fast tomorrow.  I lost five pounds in four days last week but then on Friday I got so wasted that I don't remember anything except for puking from around 11:30 PM to 4 PM the next day.  It was probably one of the worst nights ever, but when I woke up I felt absolutely amazing. So fucking skinny.  

Well all that was fucked over when my stomach hurt so bad I had to drink ginger ale and eat saltines all day.  Trying to keep five saltines down turned into eating a whole sleeve of saltines and multiple handfuls of small bite size wheat fiber crackers from Trader Joe's.  So I could have used my stupid drunkenness to help with my weight and instead it all backfired and caused me to eat more saltines in one day than I ever have in my life.

I know its not terrible and that I probably threw up so much it fucked up my stomach and got every single thing out of me (I was heaving vile by the next morning), but still, saltines are fucking filled with sodium.  

Anyways, starting tomorrow I'll only be drinking tea and water for the whole week.  If anyone wants to join I would LOVE the support :)

Let me know and we can exchange screen names or numbers.

xoxox


boredom + popcorn = purging

 i had done so well the last couple days and today - under 300 calories and i was sitting at home so fucking bored and sometimes the adderall makes me moody and so i got depressed and mad i was sitting at home alone.  

i made an individual sized popcorn and poured salt all over it and ended up purging until blood came up.  the ridiculous thing is i still feel something in my throat but i know that there has to be nothing left, if anything the smallest amount of grape.

the popcorn came up RIGHT AWAY eally easily in two quick purges, the rest was harsh because i hadnt fully chewed the grapes (i hadnt planned on purging so it didnt matter at the time).

THIS WEEK:

WED: 

-no food 
-coffee if needed 
-adderall 

THURS:

-same plan 

FRI:

-fruit 
-maybe some crackers before i go out 
-coffee 
-i'll probly be out of adderall but trying to get more

I'll be drinking a ton so I know I need to have something in me because I don't want to be blacked out in front of my date and friends.

sorry for the multiple posts - nighttime meltdown purge session made it necessary :(

peace.love.

hope everyone's doing well :)


Oct. 14th, 2008

 im starting in on a bag of popcorn right now and thinking about once i finish it going by myself to get a burger and fries someone please please please help me right now tell me to stop anyone interested in texting? i really need help right now 
 yesterday:
 
venti sugarfree soy vanilla latte 
5 bites of lettuce 
half a piece of wheat bread 

today:

venti sugarfree soy vanilla latte
one unsalted rice cake 
half a banana 
handful of cereal with nonfat milk 

done eating for the day.  tomorrow only having the coffee and a banana if i need it.  can anyone tell me if the starbucks drinks are totally bad for me or fucking me over with calories im unaware of?  or how to make them less in calories...i thought i covered it with the soy and the sugarfree vanilla.  



  REALLY random question (I haven't posted in a while, shit has gotten so bad I'm embarrassed to) but can purging almost ever day affect your period in any way?  

I've been bingeing and purging every fucking day and my throat is so raw it hurts to drink liquids through a straw.  I woke up this morning and something in me changed though.  I had a dream about saying 'NO' over and over and over to my friends who ask me if I want to go get food.

And I woke up with the huge fucking urge to become so skinny and look so good that people envy ME, not me envying everyone around me.

I'm just done thinking about fucking food, my body doesn't need it like I think it does and it's not necessary to make me happy.  What is necessary is that I stop fucking putting all this shit into my mouth and stop fucking bingeing so I don't have to purge. 

As much as I hate purging (mentally it kills me and physically its ripping apart my stomach throat) I do love how easily all that shit comes up and knowing afterwards I'm going to feel so much smaller. Although I'm doubting that I'm getting it all out...I go til I can't but I can almost physically feel the food still left in there.

I think this is why I'm so fucked up.  I want to stop eating so I can stop purging and be really fucking skinny but when I do binge and do purge I love seeing it all come up and knowing that there is a way to get ALL THAT GROSS SHIT out of my body.  I think it's a love/hate relationship.  Someone commented on one of my posts when I said I love it but I hate it saying something like "you're really fucked up."  Haha please someone comment and tell me they feel the love/hate thing I'm talking about so I can know I have an eating disorder but haven't totally fucking lost it. 

Only drinking coffee, water, and tea for this week and taking an adderall every day.  If I get hungry I'm going to stop, breathe, think about: 

-how I want to be the one that people envy
-how I want to put on my new jeans and heels and run around feeling like a twig
-how I don't want to hate myself every time I get dressed or look at my legs in the mirror 
-how I want to be able to walk around in underwear and LIKE the look of my ass 
-how I want to be able to give bitches mean looks back knowing that I look way better and way skinnier than they do

I'm just going to stop, breathe, think, grab the liquid, and be satisfied.

Fuck why does this have to control my entire life.  Anyways, hope everyones doing good, you guys keep me going like always <3
 fuck im about to purge because i just ate so much im fucking disgusted with myself.  


fuck, when am i going to gain some self control - im pathetic.

Oct. 2nd, 2008

 how bad would it be if i only drank sugarfree soy vanilla lattes from starbucks and water tomorrow?  i absolutely love them but i feel like they might be the kind of thing that sound really healthy but are packed with fat???


thanks, hope everyone is doing well :)

purged again today and feel terrible about it but i couldn't stop myself :( working on not consuming things they make me want to throw them up...


<333333

Sep. 29th, 2008

 i just binged and purged until i had nothing left in me.  i haven't done that in at least 6 months. fuck it felt good.  it was almost too easy.

when i was throwing up i felt motivated and positive about everything.  this is the start of the fast.  

sorry for all the posts, its so helpful.